One way of thinking about a break is in terms of "space." All couples need some amount of physical and emotional space. The concept of a break should not, in itself, cause panic. Taking a break should never be used as a prelude to break-up, but there are plenty of times when it's actually the best thing for a relationship. Comrie told us that this is a bad idea even if you win the argument because "you deserve to be with who actually wants to be with you." Don't put yourself in the position of having to argue someone into being with you. On the other side, if someone is breaking up with you, they've already made their decision. It sounds reasonable but it's likely to just prolong the pain. The reality is that people who initiate break-ups have already been thinking about it for a long time and have come to a decision." If you're trying to break up with someone and they propose a break, don't let that throw you off course. Aren't "taking our time" and "thinking about it" mature and reasonable things to do?Īccording to Comrie, "this sounds so reasonable, and that is the problem. And when faced with catastrophe, negotiation is a natural response: "Let's not be hasty! How about we just take a break and talk about this when we've both had time to think about it." Breaking up can be a major decision. It can make us feel lonely, unworthy, and desperate. It's also common to propose a break as a way of forestalling or avoiding being dumped. It can make the person feel that they are not just unloveable, but also stupid for believing that you might still want them. "When people are strung along like that, they often feel lied too, and feel foolish or naïve for having believed that there was a chance in the first place." Taking a break as a path to breaking up altogether adds humiliation to pain. Worse, says Comrie, it adds a whole new reason for the rejected person to feel bad about themselves. By taking a break you generate false hope, which prevents the other person from beginning to get over you, prolonging the pain. It's usually more painful." Rejection hurts no matter what and starting with half-measures won't change it. ![]() "The problem with this," said Comrie, "is that it's absolutely backwards. Breaking up is tough, and Comrie told us that many believe that taking it in steps will help accustom their partner to being without them, making the final break less painful. "We should take a break" is a common euphemism for "leave my life, but quietly" because people often do it when they actually want to break up. ![]() We asked her for advice on when it makes sense to take a break and how to make it work.ĭon't "take a break" instead of breaking up But how can we tell one from the other? Janna Comrie is a therapist and couples counsellor. But it's often thought of as a coward's escape, a way of breaking up without actually facing what you're doing. In the right circumstances, "taking a break" can save a relationship in trouble or make a good relationship even better.
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